Ok. I Caved.
I just love creating new blogs. Its an addiction. If/When this thing is actually born, I might make another new blog. Why not?
Anyway… its here. Feel free to follow me over there. But be warned… I’m being freakishly optimistic and hopeful. And while that’s not really like me, if you havent noticed, I’m trying to do things differently this time around. I’m trying to be appreciative of the time I have, if its limited, with this newest little addition.
So, yeah. I’m gonna keep this up and not delete it, because who knows? I might be back here sometime soon. Hope not, though.
Still There.
Took another test on the off chance that I’m full of shit.
Still very quick positive. Very bold.
I’m scared, sure, but I’m also confused. I’ve spent a good chunk of my life not really ever getting to this point. At various points in the day, I think, “Well, maybe I’m not pregnant.” And then I remember, “No. No, I really am. Really.” Thats kinda weird, isnt it?
I still live in the TTC mindset of “Its not gonna happen.” and its strange to be in the New Parent Mindset.
M and I did a bad thing and looked up baby patterns. And other various baby related products. We shouldnt. We really shouldnt get our hopes us, but then I remember that alot of people actually go on to have a real life human being in their arms. They dont end up like us, out there.
Anyway. That’s my crazy for the day. Welcome to it.
I’ll start a new blog after my first appointment, when we know if things are going well or not. Wish me luck?
Uhh…
…
…
…
That stupid little thing worked. I’m up the shiz pregnant.
Saw the doctor today and picked up some vitamins. Also got a blood test and on Monday we can move forward with appointments and assuaging my insanity. I’ve already uttered the words, “Even if this only lasts a few weeks…”. I’m completely terrified. Paralyzed with fear. This ends one of two ways. Badly, or well. And in my mind, it will only end badly.
The upside is that my symptoms are stronger this time around. Example. I took at nap, today, at 3. I woke up at 5. I am still dead tired. I have been pass out tired at the end of the day all effing week. And at various times I feel like I have the flu and I’m about to either a) pass out or b) yack. I am peeing all. the. fucking. time. Regardless of how much liquid I’ve had.
So. That’s where I am.
If any of you are in my boat, with an “unexplained infertility” issue, I recommend the Clear Blue Fertility Monitor. Its a hefty chunk of change, but it works. Quickly.
By the way, if this works, I’m starting a new blog. 
To Pee, or Not To Pee…?
I’m at CD 27, today. Technically speaking, I should be ready to bleed on the 29th. Nothing in recent cervical checks have come up brown. Sooo… I mean. Ya know?
Let me say, I hate peeing on sticks. I really really do. They are nothing except heart racers that make me pissed off to have wasted however many bucks it cost to buy the thing. They make me sad, they get my hopes up, and I just hate them with a passion.
But at the same time, my boobs hurt (which is normal for bleeding), but my stomach hurts. Like… I’m getting tummy aches alot, lately. The other day, I couldnt digest milk, and I had something spicy that made me want to DIE. Both were common when I was pregnant oh so many (2) years ago. But I’m also kinda crampy. So. Yeah.
Naw. Im not gonna pee on a stick. This way, I can still be all, “See? I didnt really think I was pregnant. Obviously. I knew I was gonna bleed.”
We’ll know either way by the end of the week.
I’m Getting Too Excited…
Really, I am.
Ever since the little computer thing flashed an egg at me, I’ve been thinking forward, recklessly, to holding a baby, clothing a baby, telling my parents about the baby, getting day care and schooling for the baby.
And note… there is no baby. At least not that I know of.
I have stayed good, no drinks and no ativans needed. Not too much stress. Trying not to do things that cause one to fall down and get busted up.
I am freakishly optimistic… and that’s not good. Because I know* that this isnt gonna work. And I know* that it never does. And I know* that I will never ever have a child… ever. Unless I shell out cash to get one. I know all this because that’s been the case for the past, oh god, 2 and a half years? Yeah.
My excitedness is not good. This will only end badly.
Ya know, this ends in another midnight weepy post about how I am broken and useless and doomed to this barren existence.
Holy Crap! Goodish News!
I know… what? Me? With actual good news? What the hell happened?
Well, that stupid little fertility monitor showed me an egg today. I shouldnt be this happy over confirmation that I am not, in fact, busted. But, ya know… after 2 and a half years, I’ll take what I can get.
So, yeah. That little monitor showed an egg, and, thankfully, husband and I had been feeling frisky last night, anyway. Sooo… woo! Hopefully, this is the month. Hopefully. I’m so used to disappointment… I dunno. Well, not used to, really. No one can really be “used to” the knowledge that you are barren, but rather resigned to disappointment.
And this month I’ve been really good too. I talked my way out of a panic attack, so no need for an ativan. I havent been hanging around my friend who smokes alot, so no “only one” temptations. No drinking since that last unfortunate event in November. And I’ve lost a few pounds. So lets see if all these good things work out, yeah?
Ugh… being optimistic is so not me!
New Year
I hope this is the year. I really do. Because I’m not going through this madness in 2011. I’m really not.
Well, That was Fun…
So. Another month down and still nothing. Hopefully, that stupid monitor will have figured shit out by now and will give me something I can actually work with. Otherwise its a pretty expensive paperweight.
I did mention that this is my last year, right? As in… this is it. If I dont get it in this year, its not happening and I’m cutting my losses. I’m not wasting my life over something that is out my control. And while its very sad, thats just the way things are. Im not adopting internationally, so it’d have to be domestic, and we all know how long that takes. And I’m sure as hell not sticking my ass full of drugs for something that will probably not happen.
I’ll go see the doctor, and he’ll tell us there’s nothing wrong. And we’ll be back to square one. Yay.
So. Here we are. CD5. I start peeing on sticks on CD10, I think. Here we go again.
A tribute
A tribute to a beautiful person who was touched the same way I was, yesterday.
I wish this on no one. Cathy and Brad will one day be fantastic parents, of that I have no doubt, but these next few days are going to be hard for them. They are devastating. They will go through so much pain, and hopefully emerge from the other side a better couple.
These things are tough on everyone. I love them with all my heart, and hope that things get easier as time goes on. I’m gonna try to be there for her, as much as I can.
I started crying so hard when she told me what had happened. I didnt think it could hurt that bad, when I was just an outside party. Of course, whatever I feel now is just a fraction of what they feel. This morning is going to be rough. Its the morning after when you realize that it’s not a dream, and you’ve just lost a fantastic future.
I hope they gave her something. I’m going to try to see her this week… hopefully get her out of the house and concentrating on something else. They just bought a house so maybe I’ll take her shopping for stuff. I love them so much. I wish there was more than I could do.
I Never Get A Break
So, remember that whole “ClearBlue Fertility Monitor” happiness? Mmmyeah, not so much. That fucking thing has said I’ve got “elevated” fertility since day 14. Its day 22, now. No O being registered.
It’s enough to make a woman cry.
